bpd, Mental health diaries, Therapy

Dear mike

DEAR MIKE.
October 29, 2015

Dear Mike

I’m writing to you in response of your letter, although you never asked me to I just felt the urge to pick up a pen and start writing my thoughts as I know il probably never recall them again.

First off my initial thought was to pick up a pen and start correcting your letter, not by the information you had included but to mark incorrect spellings, and use of grammar punctuation and the things that are completely irrelevant.

Why? I don’t know but have a few ideas,

was it because I wanted to patronise or belittle you once again battling for control?

was it a way to feel good about myself trying to remember there are parts of me i often forget when I look in the mirror I forget the good things I have achieved in my life, this been the more academic side I don’t have a chance to use anymore.

Was I trying to think about anything but the content itself as a way of rejecting my feelings and focusing on something irrelevant?

Whatever the reason i was left feeling judgemental guilty and well basically a nasty bitch!
The second reason for my letter comes from my desire to move forward in my life and try to recognise what went wrong and deal with theses problems during our sessions so hopefully I can find a better and happier way of living.

I constantly feel like my mind is over crowded with different memories, thoughts and feelings that somehow when I’m asked about these or try to decide my self what these are nothing comes out I just feel pressured and my mind goes blank, maybe trying to write some down may work for me, anything is worth a go, I have a million thoughts but nothing to talk about.

When you first read your letter to me I tried my best not to listen, after my initial try not to crack up laughing standard response.

I heard the words you spoke but didn’t hear much of what you were actually saying if you see what I mean, the typical in one ear out the other springs to mind.

This happens a lot.

It took 4 attempts over 3 days for me to get through and read the whole letter itself, i would get a few lines in and feel overwhelmed by emotions I didn’t want to feel, I would get a huge lump in my throat and tears just started to stream from my eyes without warning and I would put the letter down and forget it for that time, it was so frustrating I really wanted to read it, you had asked me to try myself during the week, so i that’s what I was trying to do, I was getting angry at myself “why can’t I do this simple task”

In the end I decided with myself I was going to do it, and for the first time ever I decided I needed to put myself through some uncomfortable and painful feelings and whatever emotions I would feel, however much I was going to cry I needed to just let it in allow myself to cry just for the short time it would take to read two pages of a letter, no one was looking, no one would know and i don’t ever have to do it again if I don’t want…..
So I read the letter.

As soon as I picked it up knowing I was doing it, I started to cry I felt so uncomfortable and silly but I went with it and carried on to read, cry and examine each and every word you had written, i felt terrified recognising my own life that I’ve never even acknowledged or tried to acknowledge before.

After finishing I sat for a while and let myself cry, First off I cried for myself, I’ve never done this before I’ve never felt sorry for me or realised how effected I am by my troubled upbringing, secondly I cried for my mum, I feel I’m betraying her in my therapy, I feel selfish and attention seeking blaming my problems on her, in reality deep down I know she properly doesn’t mean or intend to hurt me so much, she maybe is so selfish she can not recognise how her parenting has effected myself and my future, how it’s shaped me my sister and brothers and lives we would go on to lead.

I often ask myself what kind of childhood did she have to shape her as the person she is, why didn’t she ask for help, why couldn’t she seek help for the sake of her children the way I am, surely anyone deep down knows what’s right or wrong what’s important or not! I wish I could ask her all the questions I ask myself everyday but not in a million years would I dare even consider it.

My plan was to write in response to each point you have made but in fact when I started writing i have just gone with whatever came out and that just been everything I felt by reading it not all of the things talked about but how overwhelming this one task has been and all of the memory’s and painful experiences I’ve let come to the surface, it’s been a hard week and my mind has been in over drive but in a sense iv found it a relieving exercise even if it has been painful and hard to think about, I feel excited about our sessions and what I can possibly take from them.

I couldn’t possibly write down everything this one letter has made me want to talk about there is not enough hours before our next session in between being a parent, having a spotless home and all the shitty meetings I have to attend so thankfully for us both I will just leave it there and fingers crossed il strap a pair on and be brave enough to read this to you, or even tell you I have written it, but who knows what I will do when Tuesday comes around, it’s a long way of in my world.

I’m going to end my letter by thanking you, although if I do manage to read this to you I’m probably feeling very embarrassed right now I’m not very good with things like thanking people, I get so overwhelmed by kindness I mostly shut myself off and seem to display the opposite and act in an ungrateful way as if I hadn’t even recognised it or completely disregarded someone else’s kindness towards me, that couldn’t be further from the truth I’m just uneasy or have no idea how to accept it

Thank you for putting up with me, my lateness and my potty mouth, thank you for taking time out to write me a letter that has done for me more than you can possibly realise or had expected, I know last session I said you have done it because in theory you are paid to do it, but I didn’t actually truly mean what I said, I just became overwhelmed knowing you had actually sat down and thought about me and my life, you haven’t treated me as a name or number or talked a load of shit to get through our sessions as quick as possible, I think that I have a good judgement of character and you do genuinely care and want to help me make sense of my life, our relationship so far is one I have never had before, in theory you are a stranger iv known a few short weeks but somehow I’m able to feel comfort with you without feeling judged I’m able to tell you things iv never told myself let alone anyone else, I’m excited although scared to see the final results and what il take from this therapy

Regards

Zoey

the best psychopathic mental patient in the world ever……

Mental health diaries

The start of therapy 2014

Coming into 2013 I for the first time was starting to get used to my own company, be happy with single life and living alone, I started to build a relationship with myself, finding out who I really was, I had never spent more than a few weeks of my adult life being single, I felt I had become very strong towards relationships, I entered the year on a positive high I had lots of friends lots of admirers, work and home life was a struggle especially with Tommi (son), he never slept, he was a very difficult baby, my cleaning business started expanding rapidly so although I was running myself into the ground, I was for once financially stable enough to have nice things and treat the children! I was happy!
During 2012 I had been on lots of holidays, festivals and nights out, I spent time getting to know my friends again, remembering the things I enjoyed, I was part of a martial arts karate club trying to keep fit and energised, I realised I didn’t need a man to succeed or be happy, if anything I realised having a man in my life destroys me, I’m sure that is probably something to do with my hideous taste,
Since starting therapy i been desperate to piece together this year, I find it to be the most important year I need to talk about, it seems for the first time in my whole life I could no longer block emotions and hurt away from me, I could no longer just pretend it didn’t happen staying strong and getting on with it, I started to realise I’ve somehow ended up in a life where I was looking after everyone, I was giving the world to everyone but myself.
I think about different situations that happened in this year constantly, it has claimed all of my thoughts, I don’t sleep or function I feel I’m stuck reliving it over and over but yet when I’m asked to explain different events or memories my mind blanks and again I feel I’m looking in at someone’s else’s life trying to piece it together, when I want to think about it it’s impossible, yet when im desperate for it to stop I just find myself sat awake hours on end trying to make sense of why I’ve been treated so badly, I think about all the things I wish I could say to the ones that hurt me, or how I could of prevented my Life ending up this way.
in reality I know 2013 wasn’t different to any other year of my life I was always neglecting myself for others and been hurt used lied and cheated on but for the first time it got the better of me and I couldn’t take anymore,
I went 27 years with what others referred to as “a heart of stone” I cried very little mainly over the irrelevant things for example if I couldn’t find my keys or something silly, I recall on a number of occasions throughout my life people saying “you are so strong I really admire you and how you have dealt with that I wish I could be like you” I wanted to say “some of us have no choice but to be strong and deal with it, someone needs to hold everyone else together” unfortunately that someone was me……img_0128