Mental health diaries

The start of therapy 2014

Coming into 2013 I for the first time was starting to get used to my own company, be happy with single life and living alone, I started to build a relationship with myself, finding out who I really was, I had never spent more than a few weeks of my adult life being single, I felt I had become very strong towards relationships, I entered the year on a positive high I had lots of friends lots of admirers, work and home life was a struggle especially with Tommi (son), he never slept, he was a very difficult baby, my cleaning business started expanding rapidly so although I was running myself into the ground, I was for once financially stable enough to have nice things and treat the children! I was happy!
During 2012 I had been on lots of holidays, festivals and nights out, I spent time getting to know my friends again, remembering the things I enjoyed, I was part of a martial arts karate club trying to keep fit and energised, I realised I didn’t need a man to succeed or be happy, if anything I realised having a man in my life destroys me, I’m sure that is probably something to do with my hideous taste,
Since starting therapy i been desperate to piece together this year, I find it to be the most important year I need to talk about, it seems for the first time in my whole life I could no longer block emotions and hurt away from me, I could no longer just pretend it didn’t happen staying strong and getting on with it, I started to realise I’ve somehow ended up in a life where I was looking after everyone, I was giving the world to everyone but myself.
I think about different situations that happened in this year constantly, it has claimed all of my thoughts, I don’t sleep or function I feel I’m stuck reliving it over and over but yet when I’m asked to explain different events or memories my mind blanks and again I feel I’m looking in at someone’s else’s life trying to piece it together, when I want to think about it it’s impossible, yet when im desperate for it to stop I just find myself sat awake hours on end trying to make sense of why I’ve been treated so badly, I think about all the things I wish I could say to the ones that hurt me, or how I could of prevented my Life ending up this way.
in reality I know 2013 wasn’t different to any other year of my life I was always neglecting myself for others and been hurt used lied and cheated on but for the first time it got the better of me and I couldn’t take anymore,
I went 27 years with what others referred to as “a heart of stone” I cried very little mainly over the irrelevant things for example if I couldn’t find my keys or something silly, I recall on a number of occasions throughout my life people saying “you are so strong I really admire you and how you have dealt with that I wish I could be like you” I wanted to say “some of us have no choice but to be strong and deal with it, someone needs to hold everyone else together” unfortunately that someone was me……img_0128