Posted in Mental health diaries

The start of therapy 2014

Coming into 2013 I for the first time was starting to get used to my own company, be happy with single life and living alone, I started to build a relationship with myself, finding out who I really was, I had never spent more than a few weeks of my adult life being single, I felt I had become very strong towards relationships, I entered the year on a positive high I had lots of friends lots of admirers, work and home life was a struggle especially with Tommi (son), he never slept, he was a very difficult baby, my cleaning business started expanding rapidly so although I was running myself into the ground, I was for once financially stable enough to have nice things and treat the children! I was happy!
During 2012 I had been on lots of holidays, festivals and nights out, I spent time getting to know my friends again, remembering the things I enjoyed, I was part of a martial arts karate club trying to keep fit and energised, I realised I didn’t need a man to succeed or be happy, if anything I realised having a man in my life destroys me, I’m sure that is probably something to do with my hideous taste,
Since starting therapy i been desperate to piece together this year, I find it to be the most important year I need to talk about, it seems for the first time in my whole life I could no longer block emotions and hurt away from me, I could no longer just pretend it didn’t happen staying strong and getting on with it, I started to realise I’ve somehow ended up in a life where I was looking after everyone, I was giving the world to everyone but myself.
I think about different situations that happened in this year constantly, it has claimed all of my thoughts, I don’t sleep or function I feel I’m stuck reliving it over and over but yet when I’m asked to explain different events or memories my mind blanks and again I feel I’m looking in at someone’s else’s life trying to piece it together, when I want to think about it it’s impossible, yet when im desperate for it to stop I just find myself sat awake hours on end trying to make sense of why I’ve been treated so badly, I think about all the things I wish I could say to the ones that hurt me, or how I could of prevented my Life ending up this way.
in reality I know 2013 wasn’t different to any other year of my life I was always neglecting myself for others and been hurt used lied and cheated on but for the first time it got the better of me and I couldn’t take anymore,
I went 27 years with what others referred to as “a heart of stone” I cried very little mainly over the irrelevant things for example if I couldn’t find my keys or something silly, I recall on a number of occasions throughout my life people saying “you are so strong I really admire you and how you have dealt with that I wish I could be like you” I wanted to say “some of us have no choice but to be strong and deal with it, someone needs to hold everyone else together” unfortunately that someone was me……img_0128

Posted in love, Mental health diaries

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For him 

“He taught me how to love myself”He taught me how to love myself when he looked at me as if I was the universe and everything else was simply stars and planets.
He taught me how to love myself when he traced his fingers over the parts of me that I am most insecure about, and his touch would still remain.

He taught me how to love myself when he kissed me so much that the taste of his lips was the only thing I could remember.

He taught me how to love myself over and over again until I believed it was true. 
The words would slip from his lips so effortlessly that I had to believe them, because they came from him.”

I love you xx