Posted in bpd, love, Mental health diaries

You think I don’t care….  maybe I just struggle to show you 

I love youDear k

Thank you loving me for who I am. Thanks for making me laugh and smile when i’m sad or have a bad day. I still get excited when I see your name pop up on my phone. You’re always on my mind
.

You’re all I want, all I need. You’re my whole entire world.

 I know I’m not the best, but I’ll always be here for you if you let me.

 You’re the first and last person I want in my life. No amount of distance, pain, fights or differences in opinion can break us.

You are my best friend, you are on my mind every second, every minute, every hour, every day and every single time I blink.

You fill the space that has been missing all this time, you make me complete .

I know I ask a lot but Please stay by my side forever, I cannot possibly think of loving anyone else the way I love you and I cannot imagine my life without you

 Id never trust anyone, but you I trust.

You know my darkest secrets and my happiest moments you see me more often at my worst than at my best. You might not realize this but you and me just click. You are my strength and my weakness, my joy and my headache, I am so thankful And glad that every morning I wake up and think about you and every night I dream about you. I will always and forever love you even when words can not say it, I hope you will know this.

 You make me so happy, I sometimes stare at you, (I do that a lot) and every time I do you make me smile, you make me feel so important and the luckiest girl in the world.

I know we’ve been through a lot already, with and without each other, But it was all a test and I truly think we are going to become better than most because of that, we both know what hurt feels like, what it feels like to not want to wake up, what it’s like to be treated like a mug and an invisible person.
All of it was just sent to us to test, to ensure that we would be the best we can be in life and be grateful for what we have in each other, we both deserve to now be happy. 

I know I don’t always show you what I feel, it’s just a little new to me expressing myself and my emotions I am learning along the way and I’m sure you are to, I will just be a call, text, chat, or message away. I’ll always be here for you. 

Always.

I want you to know how much I appreciate all of the things you do for me. you make me feel needed, wanted, and cared about. You are absolutely amazing. the most amazing person I have ever met. You always make sure i’m smiling, laughing, and having a good time. When I am in your arms i feel so safe and it makes me think I am the luckiest girl in the world to have such an amazing boyfriend. You have the most caring heart.

For once in my life I feel wanted. It is unbelievable how I can be myself around you and feel so close to you, I feel like You are the other part of me.

With all the tears and trouble we’ve been through its worth it because I got to share my heart with you! You’ve opened my eyes to love and true happiness! I’ve never been so certain of anything in my life like I am certain about us!

I’m sorry I fuck up.

Please promise me that you will always know you are loved!

Forget about the ones that hurt you and please don’t let them take any more of your thoughts, your worth so much more than they will ever realise, and probably more than you realise yourself.

I have you and you will always have me……

 that is all that will ever matter
 

Xxxxxx

Fix up look sharp (lol)

Xxxxxxx

Posted in Mental health diaries

The start of therapy 2014

Coming into 2013 I for the first time was starting to get used to my own company, be happy with single life and living alone, I started to build a relationship with myself, finding out who I really was, I had never spent more than a few weeks of my adult life being single, I felt I had become very strong towards relationships, I entered the year on a positive high I had lots of friends lots of admirers, work and home life was a struggle especially with Tommi (son), he never slept, he was a very difficult baby, my cleaning business started expanding rapidly so although I was running myself into the ground, I was for once financially stable enough to have nice things and treat the children! I was happy!
During 2012 I had been on lots of holidays, festivals and nights out, I spent time getting to know my friends again, remembering the things I enjoyed, I was part of a martial arts karate club trying to keep fit and energised, I realised I didn’t need a man to succeed or be happy, if anything I realised having a man in my life destroys me, I’m sure that is probably something to do with my hideous taste,
Since starting therapy i been desperate to piece together this year, I find it to be the most important year I need to talk about, it seems for the first time in my whole life I could no longer block emotions and hurt away from me, I could no longer just pretend it didn’t happen staying strong and getting on with it, I started to realise I’ve somehow ended up in a life where I was looking after everyone, I was giving the world to everyone but myself.
I think about different situations that happened in this year constantly, it has claimed all of my thoughts, I don’t sleep or function I feel I’m stuck reliving it over and over but yet when I’m asked to explain different events or memories my mind blanks and again I feel I’m looking in at someone’s else’s life trying to piece it together, when I want to think about it it’s impossible, yet when im desperate for it to stop I just find myself sat awake hours on end trying to make sense of why I’ve been treated so badly, I think about all the things I wish I could say to the ones that hurt me, or how I could of prevented my Life ending up this way.
in reality I know 2013 wasn’t different to any other year of my life I was always neglecting myself for others and been hurt used lied and cheated on but for the first time it got the better of me and I couldn’t take anymore,
I went 27 years with what others referred to as “a heart of stone” I cried very little mainly over the irrelevant things for example if I couldn’t find my keys or something silly, I recall on a number of occasions throughout my life people saying “you are so strong I really admire you and how you have dealt with that I wish I could be like you” I wanted to say “some of us have no choice but to be strong and deal with it, someone needs to hold everyone else together” unfortunately that someone was me……img_0128

Posted in love, Mental health diaries

Maybe you should know 

For him 


“He taught me how to love myself”He taught me how to love myself when he looked at me as if I was the universe and everything else was simply stars and planets.
 
He taught me how to love myself when he traced his fingers over the parts of me that I am most insecure about, and his touch would still remain.

 
He taught me how to love myself when he kissed me so much that the taste of his lips was the only thing I could remember.

 
He taught me how to love myself over and over again until I believed it was true. 
The words would slip from his lips so effortlessly that I had to believe them, because they came from him.”


I love you xx